Well, I haven't REALLY been neglecting you all as much as it seems over the past few weeks. Blogger just seems to be having a case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or maybe just the plain old holiday blues. My posts seem to be taking FOREVER to actually update onto my blog. So instead of writing new posts, I've been spending excessive time fretting about which part of the Blogger pipeline the old ones are in.

But anyway, here are a couple of additional notes following my second viewing of Two Towers yesterday:

One of my favorite shots in the movie is the "horse-porn" shot, when Gandalf first summons Shadowfax. The horse comes running across the plain in slow-mo, mane fluttering around seductively . . . just like Bo Derek in "10".

I think drag queens should do Gollum impressions.

Oh, and who's your daddy? GANDALF IS YOUR DADDY, BITCH!

Anyway, I now intend to intentionally neglect you, regardless of Blogger's emotional state, for about a week. See there's some sort of mystical law at work here . . . back in July, I went to Medocino for some R&R. The day I left for home, Casey also turned up in Mendocino. Two ships crossing on the highway, or something like that.

So about ten days ago, Casey went to New York. Now that he is about to return home, well . . . I have no choice. NYC here I come!! I'll be ensconced in a comfy hotel near Hell's Kitchen and Time's Square, gorging myself on theater and other sensual delights. Until New Year's Eve, that is, when I will flee to Hoboken to avoid the crowds.

If I can, I'll keep you all posted as the trip progresses. But if that doesn't happen . . . Happy New Year, my beauties!! Here's to you and me and 2003. May we experience everything we wish for, and then some.

Well, I've got to write about my family sometime. Here's an intro. Today my syblings and I had a rare five-way e-mail conversation. I reproduce most of it below. Catie is the youngest, and the only girl. The cousin we talk about, JD, is college-aged.

Catie: Would you guys be interested in going out to dinner for my birthday on the weekend of the 4th? Any ideas on a new place to go to? I am going to be the bug deuce deuce.

Tommy: Bug deuce deuce? What does that mean?

Catie: Oh, I meant big deuce deuce. Like, the big turning 22. Nevermind.

Jon: How about Taco Bell?

Catie: How about you smell?

Jon: I will after eating Taco Bell for your birthday.

Catie: I got a flask for Cousin JD at Pottery barn . . . I wasn't going to get him that but joe said to get it, and it was cool. I showed my friend and she said it was kinda a serious gift and was all weird about it. Is it bad to get someone a flask? Should i give him something else?

Joe: The flask for JD is fine. What did your friend mean by "a serious gift"?? What did she suggest you buy? A pair of wax lips? Some googly eye glasses? Rubber vomit?

Jon: The person that Catie was given this "serious gift" advice by was her neighbor "Toodles" the clown who has been out of work for sometime and was trying to unload some of his old props on her. I believe a spring snake in an almond can was what he suggested JD would love.

Catie: Yeah, i don't know, I know it is fine, that is what everyone else said too.no one gets our family anyway. Who cares.

Joe: Whats to get? It is a nice gift.

Jon: Maybe your friend's uncle drank out of a flask all of the time and beat her with it when he was nice and snookered.

Catie: Snookered?! AHAHAHA!

William Ted: I think the flask is a great present, and JD will love it. Of course, if he ever goes over to the "Dark Side," we may all end up blaming the flask . . .

So, which sybling is your favorite so far?

Just read the New York Times review of Lord of the Rings. It says:

"The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" is rated PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned) for pounding, long scenes of sword and flaming-catapult action and unsettling mystic evil.

Do you think that's in the MPAA rating guidelines somewhere?

"A film shall be rated PG-13 if it contains any of the following: strong language, brief nudity, adult situations, or unsettling mystic evil."

Saw Lord of the Rings last night.

All I'll say for now is this . . .

Gollum has plumber's crack. And it's terrifying.

Addition to below . . . I, too, am REALLY OMINOUS.

OK, one of the reasons I love Eveline? Is that she tells me about cool stuff like this.

Which dirty doll fits your Christmas shopping needs best?

The redneck doll who says, "You've got pretty lips . . . mister."

The leatherdoll who asks, "Wanna be my Rectum Romeo?"

Phat Pimp, who says, "Ooww!!! You got some nice ass titties, bitch!"

Or the Jewish American Princess doll who whines, "Don't point that thing near my hair, I just had it done!"

Christmas with my family will never be the same.

(Oh, I also love Eveline because she's REALLY OMINOUS.)

You know, sifting through my referrals the last few days, I've discovered some great examples of how Google really is the best thing since sliced bread . . . even if it leads you slightly astray once in a while.

For example, when you search Google for "martha stewart's popcorn ball recipe," you will find three websites - one of them mine. Not one of them contains a popcorn ball recipe. Bad Google.

But if you search Google for "really fun in bed," you will find seven websites - one of them mine.

Interestingly, the text string "really fun in bed" appears in one of my old posts which talks about how our love for Winnie the Pooh characters as kids sets us up to be romantically attracted to really screwed up people as adults. That post is Google result #3 for "really fun in bed."

Google result #2 is this website, which contains (if you scroll down to the entry of 6/18/02) a complete word-for-word cut & paste of my Pooh post. It is not credited to me, and is presented as something this guy in Dayton, Ohio thought up during a lunch conversation.

I suppose it's pleasantly flattering that someone enjoyed my words enough to want to post them as his own. I mean on one hand, I have to applaud this guy's impeccable taste.

On the other hand, it's FUCKING THEFT. And stealing from a psychic who is also a Christian minister is five hundred different kinds of bad karma.

This guy's profile page says that one of his most overused phrases is, "That shit ain't right." And his favorite four letter word is "MINE." So how did he miss the relevance of both epigrams when he hijacked MY words?

Sad, too, is the fact that he seems to be a good, engaging writer. Had I discovered his blog under other circumstances, I'd probably start reading him regularly. But now I've got to wonder . . . whose words would I be reading?

Google lists the Plagiarist's site ahead of the original author's. Bad Google.

Google exposes the Plagiarist to the scrutiny and judgement of the world. Good Google.

Google lists the Plagiarist's site as a search result for "really fun in bed." Bad Google. Someone who lacks originality could not possibly be really fun in bed.

If YOU have opinions about internet plagiarism, feel free to let my Plagiarist know. Copy me on that e-mail, too. I'd love to feature your eloquent words here on my little corner of the web.

Oh, by the way . . . I just bought my Two Towers ticket (at Movies.com) for the 11:00pm showing on opening night at the AMC 1000 Van Ness.

Anyone else going to be there?

I want to say hello to all the beautiful ladies at Ebanned!! They found my "Which Gay Sex Position Are You?" Quiz, and a bunch of them have been visiting. I seem to be the third-most popular quiz at their site right now . . . the first one being, of course, "What Kind of Porno Would You Star In?" and the second one being "Which Greek Godess Are You?".

It was fun to discover Ebanned. Who knew that evil corporate monolith E-bay, by banning the sale of used clothing, would deprive so many people of the pleasure of buying someone else's used panties - or selling their own? But thank God . . . Ebanned sprang up to fill the void.

I won't link you directly to Ebanned. It's a member's only site. If you want to join, you'll have to be resourceful enough to find it on your own. But here's an NPR-worthy "perspective" on Life in the Panty Racket.

Personally, I think communities like Ebanned are more important now than ever. Because, as I've said before, people who buy and sell each others' panties don't start wars. And people who start wars don't buy used panties on the internet.

Which camp are you in? There is no middle ground, really.

If you gay boys out there can't think of a good reason to visit a site that sells used women's panties, well . . . let me introduce you to Bart:



He's one of the admins at Ebanned. And who knows . . . with enough flattery and financial incentive, perhaps he could be convinced to auction a few things off . . .

And for the record, I scored a Godess tie . . .

See which Greek Goddess you are.

So true. And what porno would I star in?


What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh, yeah. How about you?

Perhaps it's seasonal, but I feel that I am turning over several new leaves . . . releasing old boundaries, becoming more and more the "new me" . . . the one that is really the oldest, most ancient, most primal of all possible me's.

The world is our perception of it. And my perceptions are changing. So my world is changing.

Everything is a significator. Everything is an insight. Everything is beauty.

The universe is actually the opposite of the way most people think it is. Very, very small things - those things that lie close to maybe only one human heart - are the most important and momentous things there are. Big things - things which involve nations and organizations and corporations and societies - are really not so very significant. Nations have only existed for a few thousand years. Thunder in the sky, dew-covered grass, the smile of a beloved . . . these have existed for far, far longer.

Theater is a great example of this. I mean, let's not be coy . . . the reality is, theater is yesterday's artform. For all it's value, it is not exactly a mainstream entertainment anymore. When I do a show, even a very successful one, it mostly just touches me, my onstage comrades, and (at most) a few thousand audience members. Compared to pro sports and Hollywood blockbusters, that's not a very big deal.

But the reality is, when I step out on stage, whether to perform Shakespeare or song or slapstick, I am doing something incredibly ancient. I am practicing an art that has existed longer than any world religion. I am engaging in a tradition that has existed for more millennia than any science, industry or occupation (besides parenthood and hunting).

Makes most other activities look like fast food by comparison, right?

My blog is part of my world. I am its God. And it perhaps only touches me (and a small handful of others). And therefore, being such a small thing, it is incredibly significant and beautiful.

I have been unhappy with my link list for a while. I've always tried to be fun and creative and original and non-linear with it. But one day I looked at it and saw it as fragmentary, categorical, divided.

I have torn down the boundaries. It is now one profound list of writers who touch my soul. Thank you all.

The world of big things today is a dangerous, unpleasant mess. But my world of small things is harmonious.

I am happy.

OK, two minutes ago, I heard the funniest thing on the radio.

I'm listening to "All Things Considered," a National Public Radio show being aired on KALW 97.1, one of San Francisco's great public radio stations. (Listen anywhere from the internet!). They did a segment on Strom Thurmond, 100 year old Republican US Senator from South Carolina ("The Palmetto State") who is about to retire. The piece closed with brief sound bites from people in Strom's home state, lauding him for his service to them and his overall humanitarianism.

When the segment ended, the show went on break and the local DJ, Alan Farley, came on the air to do a time announcement and station identification. The first words out of his mouth were, "Strom Thurmond. A Humanitarian. Riiiiiight."

The sarcasm in his voice was perfectly underplayed.

If you don't know Betty Bowers by now . . . you should. The fate of your immortal soul may depend on it.

She's the most fabulous Christian you'll ever meet. In her own words, she's "so close to Jesus, He validates my parking." And boy is she a crusader!! She is engaged in so many important ministries! For example, her ex-gay ministry, BASH (Baptists are Saving Homosexuals) - including her cutting expose of Ricky Martin, and BASH Kids for the under-10 set. ("Are you afraid that your youngster has embraced the ungodly hobby of being a damned homosexual?")

Then there are the Christmas cards and calendars she is selling that plead, "Let Winona Shop for Christmas!"

And of course, there is her advice. Is Pottery Barn the doorway to a homosexual lifestyle? Is it a sin to be rich? Does God fart?

If you don't think you need Betty Bowers, well . . . you really should read about her "People Who Are Going Straight to Hell Museum." Because, yes . . . she means you.